papa box's depression journal

Discussion in 'Mostly Harmless (Serious Discussion)' started by papa box, Jun 28, 2016.

  1. papa box

    papa box Member

    Messages:
    363
    a place to condense the chronic sad posts that drag everyone else down when on other parts of the forums. feel free to share yours here, friends, just no suicidal threats please. contact a hotline instead. i care about you and so do other people. please do not post for pity or attention or advice, nor provide it; this is a place to vent into the void or be in solidarity about out situations, which we should not compare or contrast with each other. everyones struggle is different, some are clearly worse than others. all are worth the depression journal. we welcome all.

    6/27 cancelled therapy and tried to apply at burger king and they said it was online so then i bought alcohol instead, but not drinking any today. took 5mg of valium and 5mg of ambien. the day is so horrible and so boring it feels like i am dying and i want this day to end, i am so fucking bored. i took a hot shower. be over already holy shit
     
  2. papa box

    papa box Member

    Messages:
    363
    6/28 mourning the loss of people i only secondhand knew, rest in peace please
     
  3. DustyStarr

    DustyStarr Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    11,768
    Location:
    California
    Who was it, unless that is too personal?
     
  4. papa box

    papa box Member

    Messages:
    363
    personal u can pm if curious its weird tho

    6/28 applied for five jobs, might have an open interview tomorrow. slept through the night with benzos, slept thruogh the day with ambien, and am disapointed to be awake during the day and coping with alcohol. hope it can end soon. have lost five pounds at least
     
  5. papa box

    papa box Member

    Messages:
    363
    6/30
    rough day. self harm day. beat myself up, literally, and tried to get an angry lady to escalate and beat me up too. tried burning myself but wussed out. cant pull my hair out either it just soothes pulling on.i get furious at how slowly the day passes, how much i wish it could be over. i beat my head into a wall for a few minutes which is a disgusting juvenile method i though i was above since breaking up but i guess not. i hacl my arms up in the shower. alcohol and benzos arent working for sleep now nor ambien wont help. looking at the friends that have come and gone into my life and the crying and weeping just won stop, its been hours now. i fucked up. i wrote a note in case i was found in a coma but trashed it because im not strong enough to take what id need to induce a coma .rejection letters from target, sears, jcpenneys, and pendings-aka-failures from childrens place, petco, petsmart, checkecheese, and peter piper pizza. the second i can get out of my head enough to slice the fat out of my thighs im going to. im supposed to meet with a case worker tomorrow and im blowing it off because theyll probably fuck me over $20000 in baker act'd bills. friends, love, college, goals, hobbies, inerests, theyre all gone and every day i wake up hoping i somehow slept 20 hours.and its almost time to end the day again. food disgusts me except oranje juice. i messaged the dog shelter about returning my dog if i got ill and passed, they said they would gladly take her back. i dont even like my dog anymore. she would benefit from an owner that loves her and she will forget me im.ediately just like the owners she had before me. maybe if the i take thing goes poorly i can visit my old bff in san fran and visit the grand canyon again. havent seen it since i was 8 baxk when i was fat nd not smart still but oyherwise anything was.possible.if i had planned better it would have been hung when i was carring. small goals, for papabox.
     
  6. papa box

    papa box Member

    Messages:
    363
    self harmed a bunch then had an appt with the city mhmr and got people to pretend they care for a couple hours. but no one gives a shit. im not even sure i do. ha ha. but i still cant stop thinking about dying so i cant say they did a good job. everything hurts. was a 0/5 stars day, lets see if i can make to another. its kind of like prison, at this point
     
  7. papa box

    papa box Member

    Messages:
    363
    also i texted my mom asking if she hated me and didnt get a reply all day then asked what was up later and she talked about tv shows


    failure child not even a mother likes :v
     
  8. papa box

    papa box Member

    Messages:
    363
    6/3 had a dream i died in a plane crash, i dont want ther eto be a plane crash but otherwise ok

    looking into returning my dog to the shelter because i suck so much and i dont liek animals anymore and dog deserves someone that will pet it a lot
     
  9. papa box

    papa box Member

    Messages:
    363
    7/4 summertime sadness etc
     

Share This Page